Today President Cthulhu began his inauguration speech by doing exactly what he promised to do on the Republican campaign trail: Begin the apocalypse and promptly devour the associated biased liberal media arrayed at the White House. Also sticking to a key election promise, Cthulhu has vowed not to eat the Republican led congress or senate until last – allowing them to experience the full horror of all of mankind being devoured to the very final human (who is rumored to be Ted Cruz).
Many have asked how a candidate, whose main position was literally beginning the apocalypse, could possibly have taken the White House? Most analysts have decided it’s a combination of America simply losing its political sanity after years of cultist infiltration and Hillary’s lack of appeal to left-wing Democratic voters. Indeed, it would appear that perhaps Bernie Sanders may have had a better chance against the Lord of Madness, due to also being a “political outsider”.
Some Bernie supporters explained their refusal to vote for Hillary or indeed, anyone at all:
“I know that Cthulhu is going to like, end the world or something, but frankly Hillary once gave a speech to people at Wall Street. How bullshit is that?”
Another registered Democrat with an “I feel the Bern” sticker said:
“I didn’t vote for Hillary because she’s just another political system fat cat with a hidden agenda. Cthulhu may want to start the apocalypse, but at least he’s honest about it.”
Unfortunately it would seem that democratic voters staying home or even, in some cases, voting for Cthulhu as a protest vote against Hillary, was enough to just tip Cthulhu into power after a tense recount in Florida. Some at the polling booths reported that the scenes were very reminiscent of the dramatic 2000 recount that inevitably gave George W. Bush the Presidency, but this time with “More screaming, mewling and people clawing out their eyes in terror”. Cthulhu’s campaign manager continues to deny sending armies of Deep Ones to register at the last minute to tip the vote in his favor.
Either way, the final count is now in confirming Cthulhu’s victory and Hillary Clinton was damning in her concession speech saying “You idiots?! Don’t you know what you’ve done!? You’ve voted in a gigantic tentacled squid monstrosity of madness and literally opened the seals to the Stars themselves. We are all going to be devoured now!!! MAY THE RATS EAT YOUR EYES!!! THE DARKNESS COMES!!!”
Newly appointed head cultist for the House Republicans New Esoteric Order of Dagon, Kevin McCarthy responded to Hillary earlier this morning, “This just goes to show the level of discourse in this country, where Hillary has to resort to attacking the man… squid man? Octopus man? Octopus dragon man? The Eldritch God instead of acknowledging their own political failures like Benghazi or Obamacare. This is why she lost the presidency to Cthulhu, because she lacked strong leadership and Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fhtagn! Ph’nglui Mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!!!!”
Washington fact checking organization, Politifact were quick to jump on an inaccuracy in McCarthy’s statement afterwards, pointing out that his final outburst was a complete lie. “Cthulhu cannot be both dead and current US President, it doesn’t make any particular sense!”
No matter what happens, we recommend that you hold your loved ones close to you and remember that, no matter what terrified noises of people screaming and scratching at your door to get in that you hear, DO NOT LET THEM IN. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW HERE AND WE’RE ALL DOOMED, DOOMED, THERE IS NO HOPE. YOU WILL BE EATEN LAST!!!!!! Unless you voted for Cthulhu, then you’ll be right up in front of the line.
You lucky bastards.